What, exactly, am I doing?

When I was younger(early 20's) I just assumed I'd stay home with my children when I had them. Really, the only significant goal I had in life was to get married and have children! So, I got married, and I'm having a baby! (not now, 5 years ago!) And I didn't really want to stay home. I suppose I would have if I'd been able to but I didn't feel like I wanted to. I was laid off when my son was 4 mos old and ended up home with him until he was 9 mos. What a blessing! Oh, I didn't want to go back to work! It broke my heart. And continues to break my heart daily. I should be the one taking care of him, loving him, teaching him his alphabet. ME! Not that I'm not thrilled with his care because I am. Its the best situation other than me being home with him. So, I'm working on a way to work from home so that I can be with him. But, as it turns out, that most likely won't happen for another year. In the meantime, he would start Kindergarten. Only, I want to home school him. So, heavy on my heart now is do I put him into Kindergarten and then pull him out when I start working from home? What if he likes it too much and cries and doesn't like being home with me teaching him? What if, what if, what IF!?

Rory's sitter emailed me and said Rory was right there and she asked if he wanted to tell me anything and this is what he said:

"Ask her if I can have Stretchy Bugs like J & P? And tell her I miss mommy and daddy. AND will Santa really bring me presents?"

Oh, my aching heart! How I wish we could all have the heart of a child. To be so honest and innocent, so open and transparent! (Please disregard the apparent obsession with Santa and presents- I'm working on 'the reason for the season')

I get out of bed 5 days a week and leave before the rest of my little family is awake. I get home with my lovely child and get about 2 hours each evening with him. I spend 40 hours a week at work, 10 hours commuting, 5 hours at lunch and running errands, and 10 hours with my child(not including the weekends but including cooking dinner, baths, and any activities we participate in in the evenings).

Its just not right. And I'm not whining, really. I'm just saying- it's not right.

I'm not a very good blogger

When I was a young girl I kept a journal. I'd write in it so infrequently that I sounded like a completely different person with each entry. Oh what I wouldn't give to read any of that right now. I cringe at the thought of any of those entries coming to light. I remember gushing over boys that wouldn't give me the time of day. Of course, those were the easiest ones to 'like' since there was no chance really of anything ever happening.

I'm feeling the need recently to make a list of everything I need to get done. I guess I'll feel more organized that way and its always an accomplishment to mark something off a list. On the other hand, I worry the list would be overwhelming and I'd just shut down.

Friday afternoons at the office are hard. Friday mornings are fun, full of Friday excitement, talk of weekend plans, 'its been a long week' laughter and conversation. Friday afternoons are quiet. Its like some unwritten rule that we should all retreat to our little cubbies to stare at our clocks ticking away. Oh, we venture out on occasion, come up for air. Share a laugh, pick up a print job. In the event that Friday afternoon is not quiet, its completely insane and there's no time to even go use the restroom. The slow ones are the worst.

The other day a small child told me that he hated me. Not my own and not the child of anyone I know well. I was rather shocked by it. We were playing a game and I hurt his chances at winning with my action. I didn't say anything to the parents but I wonder if I should have? After thinking about it for a while I decided I would want to know if my son behaved this way.

I can always tell when the plant people have been in the office watering. It smells of gas, and I don't mean the kind you put in your automobile.

A State of Confusion

How do I erase all the pain and start over? I want a clean slate. I want the pain, anger, bitterness, hatred, did I mention the PAIN?- gone. Have I truly submitted and humbled myself enough? How hard am I willing to fight for my life? How much am I willing to sacrifice?

How Do You 'Take' Quiet Time?

Sometimes I wish I were a pre-schooler. Quiet time is a requirement. I run around all day doing, doing, doing. My mind is like one of those tape things at the bottom of the screen on CNN or MSNBC. Constant information running over and over. I try to stop it and sometimes I'm able to for a few minutes. But inevitably, it roars back to life. I stop to pray and usually end up on a mind tangent. Then I realize I was praying. Well, thats rude. I mean, I get so irritated when people are talking to me and then just stop and start rambling about something else to themselves or someone else. Usually, if I get a chance to sit and reflect I end up falling asleep because I'm so freaking tired. I fall asleep praying quite often. Years ago I used to do that purposely because I didn't want to break the 'connection' I felt it gave me to God. Now I do it out of exhaustion.

I'm Not a Very Good Employee

Monday morning. I've been here for an hour. I've done nothing work related. Wait- I did respond to an email. One that really irritated me. One that implied I wasn't aware enough to do my own job. I guess every office has one of these people. The one that seems to have to make him/herself feel important? The one that has to point out his/her connection to the current project and how instrumental he was in bringing in said project even if the only involvement was years ago?

I almost called in sick today. But I would have just had to work at home. I have a million things that need to be done there. Just ask my husband- he has no problem pointing them all out to me like I'm a child.

I Don't Understand

Maybe I'm confused about how marriage is supposed to be, but I don't think so. After God, shouldn't your spouse come next? Shouldn't that person be your priority? I can admit that I don't always manage to accomplish making my husband my priority but I think I try. Its hard to make someone a priority to you when they hurt you continually. And being so obviously NOT a priority just piles on more hurt. Everyone else's needs are more important. I understand wanting to help people, I do. And if there's a way to help other people I'm all for it! But not at the expense of my family.

Some days I just try to protect myself for another day.
Some days I try to make it better.
Some days I just can't manage to do either. I just exist.

I ask God for help, for wisdom to do the right thing. But what is my motivation? Is it to glorify Him or just for the pain to stop?

I Found Them!

My office was summer casual up until about the middle of September. Which means I was able to wear almost anything- within reason of course! No shorts but jeans, capris, nice T shirts, etc were all acceptable. Now we're back to business casual. Which isn't bad- unless you've just spent the last few months in summer casual.

There's not a huge difference between summer casual and business casual. No jeans except on Fridays and no flip flops, etc. My biggest problem is that half my pants don't fit me anymore. I put on about 10 lbs- just enough to make my pants so tight that I look like I have extra layers under my butt. If the pants in question were dark, it wouldn't be so obvious. But, of course, they are all khaki. Anyway, I've been perplexed the last few weeks because I thought I had some dark pants I used to wear but they weren't in my closet.

I found them this morning- exactly where I put them at the beginning of the summer when I didn't have to wear them- in the closet in the office/guest room.

It was like gaining a new wardrobe in an instant and I didn't spend a dime!

The best part is that the first pair of pants I put on actually fit....

There's nothing to see here

Thats all I can think of at the moment. Nothing insightful or thought provoking. I just fell asleep at my desk. Sat back, closed my eyes for a break from the computer screen, and I fell asleep! I can't imagine the embarrassment had my boss come to see me!

We got a notice about the date of our company 'holiday' party. yikes! Is it time for that already? I am looking forward to the holidays though. The time off mostly. I hope to have enough time saved up to take some extra days off. I have about a million things I'd like to do. None of them are work related so it would be helpful if I weren't there.

I think the money hemmorraging may have stopped. There still seems to be a slow leak though- working on patching that up.

Shoes- someone's shoes make her sound like a horse trotting down the hall....

I think I'll try to organize my desk. Maybe rearrange some things.

High Maintenance?

I've never considered myself high maintenance. My first serious boyfriend said I was but I didn't believe him. My husband said I am but I don't believe him either. I guess in my book, compared to other women, I just don't see it. But, I saw a glimpse of it just now.

We have a cafe on the first floor of our building. Today they had .99 cent breakfast tacos- score! I originally didn't intend to partake. But about 9:30, my stomach got the better of me and I headed down. Fully prepared for them to be wiped out. Well, they had everything except the bacon*. I seriously didn't know what to do. I could see random pieces of bacon and wanted so badly to ask the guy to dig around and give me every little scrap he had, rather than just settling for the sausage. So I stood there staring, not knowing what to do. The guy probably thinks I'm a complete nutcase. Its the same guy that was there the morning I walked in as soon as they opened and they didn't have the food put out yet and I was like 'what!? I'm starving'. Again, I really didn't know what to do. Like its his responsibility to be prepared for me. I mean, he's nice enough about it all but I know what he's thinking because I've been in his position before. Its just food, after all. But its really not. I love to eat. I love to enjoy food. I usually look forward to eating. There's nothing better than having a craving and then fulfilling it**.

Anyway, a gaggle of women I don't know came in right behind me and I succombed to the pressure and said 'I guess just give me sausage'. Like it was the worst thing ever. You know what? I barely ate half the taco. It just wasn't good. And there's almost nothing worse than having a craving and not fulfilling it**.

Whats my point? Fulfill your cravings, people! Especially you pregnant people!

Am I high maintenance? I still choose to deny it.

*I love bacon. I don't mean I like it or I enjoy it when its served to me. I LOVE bacon. When we are at home on a weekend eating breakfast and I serve bacon my husband is fully aware of the likelihood of pulling back a stump were he to attempt to steal any of my bacon.

**obviously there are better/worse things in life but it doesn't seem like it when you're in the moment, does it?

Yawn

My goodness. Work has been a big yawn fest this week. I guess there have been moments of fun, certainly but its definitely been slow. The phone is quiet, the traffic is low. It worries me. Friday will surely be a crazy day as is always the case after a slow week. Its like everyone waits until the last day of the week to try and get all the week's work done.

As a result of this lack of activity, I had to file. It is traumatic, thankyouverymuch. I have a pretty big paper cut to prove it!

I haven't done the dishes since Saturday. *gasp* We haven't really added much to it in that time so thats a plus.

I'm honestly just trying to keep my eyes open this afternoon. I could totally take a nap right now and wake up tomorrow morning when the alarm goes off and be happy.....

Condemnation

This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from Him anything we ask because we obey his commands and do what pleases Him.
1 John 3:19-22

The note from my study bible:

God is greater than our hearts. An oversensitive conscience can be quieted by the knowledge that God Himself has declared active love to be an evidence of salvation. He knows the hearts of all--whether, in spite of shortcomings, they have been born of Him.

I believe I suffer from an oversensitive conscience. I have a hard time letting go of past sins- my own and those committed against me. Why? If God says all I have to do is obey Him, what gives me the right to continue to condemn myself when I stumble? I pray that God will replace my condemnation with His love.

One of Those Days

Cloud:
I woke up late
Silver lining:
I got almost 2 hours extra sleep and got to see my son before I left

Cloud:
Its raining so the roads were slick
Silver lining:
We really needed the rain

Cloud:
Work is boring and its hard to focus
Silver lining:
At least I have a job

Cloud:
The finances are looking scary. Really scary.
Silver lining:
I'm still working on this one. I guess I can be grateful that I have things at home that I can sell to try and get some extra money to pay the ridiculously inflated credit card payment I've been surprised by. Its times like this when its extremely hard to write that tithe check, especially when it would cover the shortage. I keep telling myself to trust God. But, if we can't be trusted to be responsible with what he's given us(financially) then how can we expect him to bail us out each time?

Anyone need a sewing machine?

He tied his own shoe

all by himself. I missed it.

I am a working mother(not to imply that there are mothers who don't work- we all know motherhood is like being in every executive position in a Fortune 500 company)- what I mean is that I am a mother who has a full time outside the home job. Before having children was ever a serious consideration for me I just assumed I'd stay home with them when they were young and then go back to work once they started school. When I was pregnant I found I didn't necessarily 'want' to stay home- surely I'd go crazy trapped in a house with children all day! When I first went back to work after having my son I certainly missed him and would have rather stayed home, but I wasn't distraught by my circumstances. I simply didn't have a choice. When he was 4 mos old, I was laid off and ended up at home with him by default. During the 5 months I was home, I found that I loved it! The only problem was I couldn't continue to draw unemployment indefinitely and we simply could not live on one income. So when he was 9 mos old, God sent me the perfect job- the pay I needed, a good location, and a bona fide family friendly work place. My world was in a tail spin for months. I missed my son and was distraught that I had to leave him. I am so grateful for those 5 mos I did get to spend at home with him- it was pure joy watching him grow and learn during that time. Even though I do work I've been lucky enough to catch most of his 'firsts'- the day he crawled, the day he walked*, his first words. We've also been so blessed by the caregivers he has been with. 2 home daycares and 2 daycare centers and with each he's been loved and well cared for. So I don't want to sound ungrateful. But the bottom line is that I'm missing things and maybe they aren't super important life changing events in the long run but they are things I'm missing nonetheless.

And I can't help but feel sad.

*as far as I know I saw the first steps. I'd made a deal with his teacher at the time that they not tell me if he took any steps until I told them he'd had his first steps. What I don't know about what happened in that classroom before his first steps at home will not break my heart!

On the 6th day*....

God created the Icee. He tasted it and saw that it was good.

Can I get an 'Amen!'?

*He had to have created it on the 6th day so that he could enjoy it on the 7th day while he rested.

Seriously?

Barbie gets a poop-scoop

Toy manufacturers have created a new pet for Barbie - a dog which does toy poos.
The dog, called Tanner, is fed brown plastic “biscuits” which it then discharges from its backside.
Mattel has armed Barbie with a magnetic pooper-scoop and dustbin to clean up the mess, says the Sun.

A coworker said he saw a commercial for this so I had to check it out. All I can say is: Why?

Who Knew?

Who knew that my lunch could be the object of such interest? I suppose I leave myself open to it by eating at my desk while I work. People(the same ones of course) feel the need to come peer over my shoulder at what I'm eating while making comments on the smell and the health ramifications of what I'm eating. It irritates me, which is probably obvious or I wouldn't write about it. But, I can handle the comments, the peering. What really gets to me is the fact that they don't go away at that point. No, they hang out and seem to want to chat. Um, HELLO! I am trying to eat and I'd love to be able to eat it while its still warm which I'm not comfortable doing with you towering over me. If you've got business to address, lets talk. Otherwise, please leave me alone for just 10-15 minutes so that I enjoy my lunch.*

*This Public Service Announcement is brought to you today by Whataburger.

A Conversation with The Boy

R: when am I gonna get a sister?
M: what!?
R: I have a cousin, Jade. I want a sister, and a brother, and a tank with a dolphin.
M: really? What would you name your sister?
R: how about Carabel?
M: and your brother?
R: Zoomie?
M: how about the dolphin?
R: Wally!

There ya go!

The Holy Spirit!

Last year, after a significant life event, I started going to church again. I've always 'known' God- well, known about him I guess. But I didn't have a relationship with him. Well, last February, I began to cultivate a relationship with Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. And as I did that, through personal relationships and studying the bible I began to notice this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Its that feeling, like something really great or really bad is about to happen. Only nothing significant ever happened. On the outside, anyway. Then one day a friend at church asked me to speak at one of the services. My first response was, of course, no freakin way! When I sat down to figure out what to say and started writing it down, it occured to me that the feeling in the pit of my stomach is the Holy Spirit! That was an awesome revelation. Since then, that feeling has gone away. Not that I think the Spirit necessarily left me although there are times when I haven't pursued its renewal so it was surely lacking. I'm happy to report that as of yesterday that feeling has returned! All I had to do was ask! I have been seeking and asking so much more from Him, really trying to listen to what He is telling me and asking Him to fill me with His Spirit.

He never disappoints.

Women at Work

Oy. I just loathe catty women. And believe me, I can tell when they are being catty because, yes, I've been there, done that. I almost expect it from younger women- just out of college, single, trying to prove themselves. But when you've been 'in the world' for a while, married, have a child- it just seems like at that point in your life you'd have a bigger perspective of things and be beyond it. I guess not.

I pretty much hit the job jackpot when I snagged this one. Coming off of 5 months of being at home with my baby, I didn't want to go back to work but had no choice. Right when the unemployment ran out(I had been laid off), I got this job. The pay was what I was asking and the location, not horrible. I work for a good company. Even better is the fact that I work in a specific department within the company that for the most part runs independently. We are in the same office and see and talk to other people in the company but mostly keep to ourselves. There are 10 of us, 2 women. We all get along famously. Its a very family friendly place to work and they are good about rewarding and noticing employee efforts. We enjoy quite a few perks that I would definitely miss if I worked elsewhere.

Back to my point- as a result of the structure of my department, I have limited contact with the rest of the company. There are plenty of women in the rest of the company- some that I enjoy chatting with more than others. Some I simply smile at when we pass in the hall. I guess we all tend to make initial judgments about people and I'm no different. What gets to me is when I think someone is a certain way, then I talk to them and they seem very different- in a good way, mind you. Funny, down to earth, easy to talk to, professional.

Then you hear/see something that makes you grateful you kept that relationship professional. Very dissapointing when women can't work together without having to create 'cliques' and plot against each other. I worked in a place like that once and it was horrible. I'm glad to see this from the outside of the actual situation but I feel for another coworker who is obviously the target.

Can't we all just get along?

Idolatry

From the book "The Excellent Wife":

'When something is so important to us that we sin to get it or we sin when it doesn't go well, it can be an idol in our heart.'

*ding*(thats the light bulb coming on)

Satan is a jerk

Main Entry: green
Pronunciation: 'grEn
Function: adjective

: deficient in training, knowledge, or experience b : deficient in sophistication and savoir faire : NAIVE c : not fully qualified for or experienced in a particular function

Does this feeling ever go away? Will I ever feel like I'm well versed in the bible and what it all means? I feel like very time I turn around there's something else I've been missing. Another aspect of the Christian life that I never even considered.

It's astounding to me how predictable the devil is. He tells me the same lies over and over- the same ones he's been telling others for centuries! I read about the lies he's told others. They're the SAME ONES! So why do I continue to fall for them? And then want to beat myself up for falling for them- he loves that. jerk. It really makes me angry that he knows my weak spots and exploits them. I'd love to take a shovel to that snake! Thats how my daddy used to kill chicken snakes- cut off their heads! So, maybe from now on when I struggle with the devil's lies I'll picture myself cutting his head off with a shovel.

Word of the Day

luposlipaphobia:


The fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table whilst wearing socks on a newly waxed floor.

This made me laugh out loud. I almost sprayed ice across my desk!

We're Bleeding Money

Do you know that feeling?

If its not one thing, its another. Things you talk about needing to do but decide you can't afford and then suddenly you just don't have a choice. I'm feeling some anxiety, obviously. However- we will choose, in this time of financial struggle, to do what we need to do and trust that God is going to cover us. We are heading into a time of transition, especially for Matt and his work and its exciting and completely heart stoppingly scary at the same time. Like the movie Armageddon, when the guy is in the shuttle getting ready for take off and he's talking about being 85% scared, 15% excited, or is it 85% excited, 15% scared? Thats me! Except I'm prettier than him. ;-)

I Don't Get Paid Enough for This

I do believe I've gone too far above and beyond and I set an expectation that I no longer want to meet. I feel like I'm almost being taken advantage of. Taking time off? Why, certainly, send me endless emails of loose ends to tie up for you. Read your mind? OF COURSE! Can't manage to enter 1 receipt for reimbursement? Sure, I've got nothing else to do and I'd love to take care of that for you. I mean, that $35 might mean the difference on your next 2 week vacation at the beach house.

Inhale.........exhale....

Can't talk, I have to go send someone else's email....

Not Enough Rest

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
Isaiah 41:13 For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.
Matthew 11:28 Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Some days are just hard. I know that not every day can be perfect, or even close but why can't I seem to string together more than one at a time? Seems like every good day is followed by a string of bad ones. Distance, anger, impatience. I get so tired of living in apprehension of what it will be like each day. God tells me there's got to be some reason for all of this. (Proverbs) He tells me I'm not fighting this battle alone(Isaiah) even though it often feels that way.

When I read that verse from Matthew I picture myself sitting with Him- my head on His shoulder, His arm around me just holding me, giving me rest. I think my problem is I'm getting back up too soon. I should sit with Him longer.

Its a Cold Front!

Its amazing how cool 76 degrees can feel after 100+ degree days for weeks on end, isn't it? What a relief! I know it will be in the 90's later and more humid as a result of the 'rain' but it was lovely this morning.

I left my house 10 minutes earlier this morning in an effort to get to work earlier to allow more time for reading my bible. And traffic was just as bad! I thought for sure it would be lighter. Did thousands of people move out to Kyle/Buda over the summer? Must be that new Walmart that got them all to move. Its real purdy!

We have a birthday party to attend this weekend. One of Rory's former classmates. I haven't told him yet since its all I'll hear about for the rest of the week if I do. I'll spring it on him the afternoon of. He'll be so excited! And, interestingly enough, I'm excited. We haven't seen anyone from his old school since he left and we used to see them all daily. It will be fun to see all his friends and I know they will have a ball. And I just realized that I need to find a gift.....

My Son is a Genius!

Maybe he's not a genius but so many people tell me how advanced he seems for his age(4) so I'm beginning to wonder. I don't have anything to compare him to so maybe I'm way out in left field. Most of the people who tell me this just adore him in general so maybe its a bias that all people have about the children in their lives?

Seriously, if this child is going to be that smart, he's going to run circles around us when it comes to homework. We'll be the ones in tutoring so we can help him! I'm already worried about all that math he'll have to learn. I barely got past Algebra! Math has never been my friend. I can't even balance my checkbook with a calculator. I still get it wrong.

He sat at the dinner table last night and 'perused' his new spiderman comic that came with the Sunday paper. He looked so cute and intellectual! I should have taken a picture but the camera was upstairs. The moment certainly would have passed had I gone for it. And I would have missed it. So I'll have to be satisfied with the one in my mind. Its times like this I wish I were a good artist- I'd draw it.

Of course, as soon as dinner was over, he was back to acting like a dog. Surely thats the sign of a genius!

Are You Ready for Some Football!?

I am! I love football. I love to listen to the sound of it in the background as I'm doing whatever else it is I am doing. It makes me think of the coming of fall, a crispy chill in the air, the holidays! My favorite teams: Pro would be the Cowboys and college is the Texas Tech Red Raiders(my alma mater).

My husband, on the other hand...not so much. He could care less actually. God really had fun with this marriage- he paired a sports loving woman with a man who could care less. I guess he figured somebody needed to get something done during football season! ;-)

I'm kidding- I get plenty done during football season. There is one TV upstairs and one down so regardless of where I am or what I'm doing, I can see or hear the action.

However- I really get into it and this sometimes results in the increased volume of my voice. And it drives the hubster nuts because he's usually out in the garage and he thinks Rory or I have been hurt.

Whats the point? I don't have one...

Thursday laugh

I got this in an email today and it made me laugh out loud.

I Don't Understand

I commute to work every day. Back and forth, everyday. Same roads, same time, same cars around me. Depending on the season, it takes me 30 minutes to an hour to get to work. During the school year, its an hour. During the summer, 30 minutes. Are there that many teachers? I don't understand why traffic TRIPLES(at least) during the school year. Around the schools, sure I can see it. Anyway, thats not the point here. Most of the roads I commute on are 2 lane roads. All of them need to have more lanes. So I'm pleased when they start working on making that happen. What I don't understand is why they waited to start until THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL when the traffic TRIPLES(at least)! It makes absolutely zero sense and drives me bonkers.

Sell This House!

I watched part of this show on TV last night- I can't remember what channel. And they took these houses that wouldn't sell and made them so pretty so they'd sell.

I want them to come to my house and fix it all up but I don't want to sell it. I just want someone to fix it for me.

Is that the epitome of lazy or what?

It's all in the Hair

On a bit of a whim last week, I straightened my hair. You'd have thought I had gone from 5 ft tall to 6 ft tall! People reacted so passionately. In a good way, thank goodness, or I might have had to run to the bathroom and stick my head in the toilet to bring back my curls! Everyone tells me how different I look. Younger! Prettier! I walked out of my office at the end of the day on a total high!

So I did it again today. And I guess its not just the hair because I feel different when its straight. Sassier. More sophisticated. Its the straight me vs the curly me. Straight me feels the need to wear at least some make up. Curly me? Nope. Straight me: painted her toenails in the truck after she got to work this morning so they'd look decent. Curly me I am pretty certain wouldn't have noticed.

I've been discovered

And I feel so naked!

thats all.

I've even got comments! And nice ones at that!

oh, and welcome. :-)

Hide & Seek

Last night Matt and I played Hide & Seek with Rory. How FUN! I was 'it' first and of course had to pretend to have no idea where they were. Then Matt was 'it'. Of course, Rory hides in the SAME spot and tells Matt where he's hiding. Well, where we're hiding, since he told me to hide with him. So we hid in the corner covered by a Superman cape. And giggled! Rory said over and over 'he'll NEVER find us!'. He was having so much fun, and so was I. Matt finally gave up since he totally had NO idea where we were. Then it was Rory's turn. He told us where to hide so of course I hid there but Matt found his own spot. Rory was so perplexed! He did finally find him. fun, fun, fun! Its times like that I wish I had a camera in the house to just record life. I want to remember sitting in that corner with Rory giggling because there was NO WAY daddy would find us!

Serving God

I have an 'assignment' this week. I've got 2 cups. One is labeled 'Served God', the other 'Served Mel'. Each night I am to take a piece of paper and put it into the cup that accurately sums up my day. I was told a 75/25 day was okay to slip into the 'Served God' cup but anything less than that goes in to the 'Served Mel' cup. Having not gotten the assignment until almost bed time the first day, it was an automatic 'Served Mel' day. Yesterday I went with the same. But I guess I don't understand what serving God means. I mean, I know that I should do everything with Him in mind, keep Him at the fore front of my life, always staying aware that my life is in line with what He would have me do. But what if I don't spend any time sharing the gospel? What if I just go through my day, read my bible, am productive at work, don't gossip, say negative things, allow sinful thoughts or actions, be the best wife and mother I can be with God's help. Is that enough? Have I fulfilled at least 75%? Yesterday was a good day in that regard. I felt like I was 'good'. But I didn't feel like I purposely served Him. Have I sufficiently served him by simply caring for the things He has entrusted to me?

Longing

Every month I hope. I wait for the day and hope it will pass with nothing. Am I selfish to want another child when I've already been blessed with one and there are others who can't have even that? All I ever wanted was to have a family- be married and have children. children. not child. I adore my son and wouldn't change him for all the children in the world if that were a choice but I want him to have a family- brother, sister- so that he won't ever be alone. I didn't stop my husband from getting a vasectomy and its probably my biggest regret to date. I hold on to the hope that God can do anything- I mean, if he managed the immaculate conception, surely he can overcome a little snip! I'm currently 5 days late with other symptoms of a pregnancy which are also symptoms of an ovarian cyst.

A ray of light: reaching into the past to ask for forgiveness.

Rory told me this weekend that when he gets 'this big' (about the size of a pear, according to his hand extention) he will no longer have to hold my hand. :-( Please, don't remind me.

The 'Boy' game

Last night in the car Rory asked if I wanted to play the 'boy' game. Why, of course!

I was given the name 'Hal'(the mom). Stephanie was dubbed 'Howie'(the baby girl). Rory became 'Jackson' who, he informed me later, is also a girl. Emily had the honor of being Jim(thanks to Howie).

For the rest of the evening, anytime my son addressed me it was as 'mom' and I had to respond with 'yes, Jackson'

It was odd addressing him with a different name. And just as funny as it could be! He's got quite the imagination.

I just had a conversation with a coworker about having children. She just doesn't know if she wants to. I hope I didn't come across as too pushy. I, of course, think having a child is the best. thing. ever. I would have more if I could. I simply couldn't think of a word that really conveyed the experience. Wonderful, awesome, phenomenal, exquisite, heart wrenching, frustrating, perfect. I just hope and pray that my child is happy, truly happy because he makes me truly happy. Even when he calls me Hal.

Camping?

My 5th wedding anniversary is in October. 3 months! It is only by God's grace that we will have made it. I, of course, would love to jump on a plane and spend the weekend in some exotic locale, lolling around on a beach with nothing to do but admire the beauty surrounding me. However, I do share this special day with someone else and I know his idea of the perfect weekend does not include 'lolling'. I'll be lucky to get to sleep past daylight. We can't afford to buy a poster depicting an exotic locale, much less the actual trip. So...
I've decided we'll go camping. Its cheap, doesn't require air travel, and the other half would love it! I think. Besides, he's convinced that I'm a prissy high maintenance girly girl who couldn't handle it and its time to prove him wrong. Now I just have to find a campground with indoor plumbing, some kind of fast food nearby, and no bugs. The good news is that I have 3 months to figure this out. I also have to decide if I will tell him my plan or surprise him.

Talking to Myself

I guess thats what this blog is. No one else knows about it yet. It seems like everyone I know has a blog and they are all very interesting- I'm learning all kinds of things about people I know. And I'm feeling rather scatterbrained lately so I figured this might be a great way to keep track of random thoughts. Rather than trying to cram them all into a journal every night which I don't have time to do. I can't ever remember to do it, either!

So for now, self, I hope you enjoy the reading!

My Top Spots

According to www.findyourspot.com here are the top spots I *should* live(based on answers to several questions)

Bremerton, Washingon
Mount Vernon, Washington
Lewiston, Maine
Atlantic City, New Jersey
Dover, Deleware
Smyrna, Deleware
Tacoma, Washington
Newark, Deleware
Olympia, Washington
Abingdon, Virginia
Augusta, Maine
+ more in Washington and North Carolina!

I'm way off the mark down here in Texas, apparently.

The Best Things in Life

The smell of a baby, especially my own.
The sound of that 'baby' singing in the tub 4 years later.
Forgiveness- that I bestow upon others and that bestowed upon me through my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
The beach.
Sleeping in.
Friends
Laughter through tears.
A compliment.

The Door Slammer

I sit right next to the conference room in my office. I work in a department with 9 men and 1 other woman. 1 of those men ALWAYS slams the door when he goes into that conference room. And it scares the whits out of me every time. Then I am irritated. We(the other woman and I) even put a sign on the door to please close it gently. Seems to me its only gotten worse. So I've decided from now on to rate the door closing abilities of these guys. Each time they go in I will tape the judge's score to the window.