What, exactly, am I doing?

When I was younger(early 20's) I just assumed I'd stay home with my children when I had them. Really, the only significant goal I had in life was to get married and have children! So, I got married, and I'm having a baby! (not now, 5 years ago!) And I didn't really want to stay home. I suppose I would have if I'd been able to but I didn't feel like I wanted to. I was laid off when my son was 4 mos old and ended up home with him until he was 9 mos. What a blessing! Oh, I didn't want to go back to work! It broke my heart. And continues to break my heart daily. I should be the one taking care of him, loving him, teaching him his alphabet. ME! Not that I'm not thrilled with his care because I am. Its the best situation other than me being home with him. So, I'm working on a way to work from home so that I can be with him. But, as it turns out, that most likely won't happen for another year. In the meantime, he would start Kindergarten. Only, I want to home school him. So, heavy on my heart now is do I put him into Kindergarten and then pull him out when I start working from home? What if he likes it too much and cries and doesn't like being home with me teaching him? What if, what if, what IF!?

Rory's sitter emailed me and said Rory was right there and she asked if he wanted to tell me anything and this is what he said:

"Ask her if I can have Stretchy Bugs like J & P? And tell her I miss mommy and daddy. AND will Santa really bring me presents?"

Oh, my aching heart! How I wish we could all have the heart of a child. To be so honest and innocent, so open and transparent! (Please disregard the apparent obsession with Santa and presents- I'm working on 'the reason for the season')

I get out of bed 5 days a week and leave before the rest of my little family is awake. I get home with my lovely child and get about 2 hours each evening with him. I spend 40 hours a week at work, 10 hours commuting, 5 hours at lunch and running errands, and 10 hours with my child(not including the weekends but including cooking dinner, baths, and any activities we participate in in the evenings).

Its just not right. And I'm not whining, really. I'm just saying- it's not right.