co·de·pen·den·cy

a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin); broadly : dependence on the needs of or control by another

I have realized(re-realized?) that I am codependent. Sounds like such a cliche'. Yet, it is true. The only one I should be depending on at all is God. That's all he wants. Why do I resist spending time with the one I know loves me and wants to spend time with me? If Jesus were here on Earth now, would I put Him off, stand Him up? He definitely deserves better.

Why is consistency so difficult?

Freedom

forgive
Function: verb
transitive verb

1 a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital for

b: to grant relief from payment of

2: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

God has brought to my heart a conviction of forgiveness. A peace of forgiveness. Dare I say, even empathy for my transgressor. I've said it before but now it seems to have really sunk in that forgiving isn't forgetting, it isn't letting that person continue to hurt you. You forgive but you don't continue to be hurt. You can forgive someone and still protect yourself from the pain they inflict.

God has moved so much in my life. I feel like I am renewed. He has surrounded me with a wonderful new church family, and the support and unconditional love of friends. He has me right where he wants me in order to continue the growth of my relationship with Him. I don't believe I have ever felt so complete. I stepped out on the bridge of faith and it has held strong.

Thank you, Father, for your perfect provision, timing, grace, acceptance, and love.

I Wonder

I wonder what my life will be like 1 year from today. 1 month from today, for that matter! I anticipate what fabulous things God has in store for me. I have had a pretty crazy 2 months. Things are beginning to settle down now and I am getting my perspective back. Or, I should say I'm getting God's perspective back. I always hear people talk about how easy it is to go to God when things are bad and then drift away when they are good. I find the opposite to be true. When things are bad I tend to lose myself in the day to day survival and lose my focus on God. When things are good I am able to maintain my focus.

I have a friend who is in a struggle. She wants to grow her relationship with God, she knows what she needs to do. She is afraid of 'rocking the boat'. She has a good life. Great job, great kids, great husband, great house, etc, etc. I guess that makes it a 'great' life. I didn't use that word purposely though. Without that intimate relationship with God, how great can it be? I don't want to sound righteous but I have a feeling that God hasn't just brought me to this place in my life for me. I think He may have brought us back together geographically so that I can be here for her. If this is the case, I only hope that I will be open to what God intends. Making this life change will indeed rock her boat but the glory in the end is worth it!

Something I heard tonight: Fear feeds the devil, faith feeds God.

My son can read. Coolest. thing. ever.! Everyday he comes home with new knowledge. Who knew talking about the color brown could be so riveting?

Unleashing My Creativity

I painted and crackled my dresser, night stand, and room dividers(using as a headboard). I've painted and waxed a $25 dining table(red!).

hmmm...

I guess that's actually it. But I feel unleashed!

Past, Present, Future

I realized this weekend that my wedding anniversary is weeks away. This put me into a bit of a funk. I am sad about the apparent loss of what 'should' have been. Not what I had, not what I wanted, what 'should' have been. What I deserved. Not that I think my life should have been perfect and carefree. I am well aware that I was never promised an easy life. I do wonder if I had done things differently, made different choices, would my life have been what it was really meant to be? Did my choices change God's intended direction of my life? Probably. But I remind myself that God takes all things and makes them for good(my paraphrase). So it's useless to waste my time wondering 'what if?'.

Right now I guess I am in a state of limbo. Although I feel more stable centered than I have in a long time. There is movement in my life, I am making my way. Correction: God is making my way. It is obvious that He has orchestrated recent developments in my life- where I live, where I work. The only thing I am sure of for my life right now is that this is my time to heal, to allow God to work in me and mold me to be the woman he made me to be.

On one hand, I look into the future and see endless opportunity for myself, in every aspect of my life. That is exciting! On the other hand, it seems an empty tunnel that I need to fill up with a life worthy of God. That's daunting! The uncertainty of my future is scary and sad. My hope lies in my faith that, if I respond and allow it, God will do an awesome work in me!

Breaking Free

How is it you think your life is going one direction and then, WHAM! Off into another direction you go. 3 months ago I thought I would be working from home, homeschooling my son. Here I am, working full time, my son in public school. I am enjoying working again. I am good at what I do. I take pride in helping the people I work with to do better and more. My son is thriving. He is learning so much! He learned the macarena! Different words, obviously. Months of the year. Cutest thing EVER!

I am surrounded by a new family. These people that I have known for years(most of them peripherally) have taken me into their family and enveloped me in their love and support. No questions asked, no repayment expected. God's provision continues to amaze me. Why is that? That's okay, I'd rather not be complacent about his provision.

I am heartened to know that Emily is back on US soil. And I was blessed to spend an hour with Steph and Lulu, who is fabulously generous with her kisses!

I actually feel content. God is great.

Prison Walls

I am sad. I feel as though the big bad world is eating me up. And its my own fault. I am letting it eat me up. Our stuff is strewn everywhere. My car is packed with stuff for the apartment and it would be senseless to unload it only to reload it a week from now. So I can't see out of the back. At least I have blind spot mirrors on the sides.

I started working today. A temp, possible temp to perm position. Everyone seems nice and happy to be working there. I didn't do much. Maybe I'm just used to doing a million things all day. I used a dictaphone! I didn't know those things still existed! I spent 3 hours listening and typing. The day went by slowly. My son was the last child in the after school program when I picked him up. That hurt. And I even left work 10 minutes early to get him. :-( We got home and had an hour and a half before his bed time. Of course, he spent it playing with his friend. I am looking forward to having our own space and the special times we will have there. I envision cozy moments full of love and joy.

I feel as though I've finally broken free from a prison but now I don't know quite what to do.

You know that funny fake snore sound? The snorty breathing in through the nose and wheezy 'shew' back out of the mouth? That is the snore my son is snoring right now.

Emily, you have inspired me to try to start blogging again. If anyone bothers to check it any more! I guess that shouldn't matter anyway.

Enough

Is my life the result of my sin or God's will? A combination of the two, I suppose. I find it hard not to beat myself up over my choices and play the 'what if' game. Pride is an ugly thing. God forgives me, why can't I forgive myself and move on? I want so much to be a good wife but submission is hard. It's hard to submit without respect. I am saddened and discouraged. I simply want to be accepted as I am and for what and who I am to be enough.