Freedom

forgive
Function: verb
transitive verb

1 a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital for

b: to grant relief from payment of

2: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

God has brought to my heart a conviction of forgiveness. A peace of forgiveness. Dare I say, even empathy for my transgressor. I've said it before but now it seems to have really sunk in that forgiving isn't forgetting, it isn't letting that person continue to hurt you. You forgive but you don't continue to be hurt. You can forgive someone and still protect yourself from the pain they inflict.

God has moved so much in my life. I feel like I am renewed. He has surrounded me with a wonderful new church family, and the support and unconditional love of friends. He has me right where he wants me in order to continue the growth of my relationship with Him. I don't believe I have ever felt so complete. I stepped out on the bridge of faith and it has held strong.

Thank you, Father, for your perfect provision, timing, grace, acceptance, and love.

I Wonder

I wonder what my life will be like 1 year from today. 1 month from today, for that matter! I anticipate what fabulous things God has in store for me. I have had a pretty crazy 2 months. Things are beginning to settle down now and I am getting my perspective back. Or, I should say I'm getting God's perspective back. I always hear people talk about how easy it is to go to God when things are bad and then drift away when they are good. I find the opposite to be true. When things are bad I tend to lose myself in the day to day survival and lose my focus on God. When things are good I am able to maintain my focus.

I have a friend who is in a struggle. She wants to grow her relationship with God, she knows what she needs to do. She is afraid of 'rocking the boat'. She has a good life. Great job, great kids, great husband, great house, etc, etc. I guess that makes it a 'great' life. I didn't use that word purposely though. Without that intimate relationship with God, how great can it be? I don't want to sound righteous but I have a feeling that God hasn't just brought me to this place in my life for me. I think He may have brought us back together geographically so that I can be here for her. If this is the case, I only hope that I will be open to what God intends. Making this life change will indeed rock her boat but the glory in the end is worth it!

Something I heard tonight: Fear feeds the devil, faith feeds God.

My son can read. Coolest. thing. ever.! Everyday he comes home with new knowledge. Who knew talking about the color brown could be so riveting?

Unleashing My Creativity

I painted and crackled my dresser, night stand, and room dividers(using as a headboard). I've painted and waxed a $25 dining table(red!).

hmmm...

I guess that's actually it. But I feel unleashed!

Past, Present, Future

I realized this weekend that my wedding anniversary is weeks away. This put me into a bit of a funk. I am sad about the apparent loss of what 'should' have been. Not what I had, not what I wanted, what 'should' have been. What I deserved. Not that I think my life should have been perfect and carefree. I am well aware that I was never promised an easy life. I do wonder if I had done things differently, made different choices, would my life have been what it was really meant to be? Did my choices change God's intended direction of my life? Probably. But I remind myself that God takes all things and makes them for good(my paraphrase). So it's useless to waste my time wondering 'what if?'.

Right now I guess I am in a state of limbo. Although I feel more stable centered than I have in a long time. There is movement in my life, I am making my way. Correction: God is making my way. It is obvious that He has orchestrated recent developments in my life- where I live, where I work. The only thing I am sure of for my life right now is that this is my time to heal, to allow God to work in me and mold me to be the woman he made me to be.

On one hand, I look into the future and see endless opportunity for myself, in every aspect of my life. That is exciting! On the other hand, it seems an empty tunnel that I need to fill up with a life worthy of God. That's daunting! The uncertainty of my future is scary and sad. My hope lies in my faith that, if I respond and allow it, God will do an awesome work in me!

Breaking Free

How is it you think your life is going one direction and then, WHAM! Off into another direction you go. 3 months ago I thought I would be working from home, homeschooling my son. Here I am, working full time, my son in public school. I am enjoying working again. I am good at what I do. I take pride in helping the people I work with to do better and more. My son is thriving. He is learning so much! He learned the macarena! Different words, obviously. Months of the year. Cutest thing EVER!

I am surrounded by a new family. These people that I have known for years(most of them peripherally) have taken me into their family and enveloped me in their love and support. No questions asked, no repayment expected. God's provision continues to amaze me. Why is that? That's okay, I'd rather not be complacent about his provision.

I am heartened to know that Emily is back on US soil. And I was blessed to spend an hour with Steph and Lulu, who is fabulously generous with her kisses!

I actually feel content. God is great.

Prison Walls

I am sad. I feel as though the big bad world is eating me up. And its my own fault. I am letting it eat me up. Our stuff is strewn everywhere. My car is packed with stuff for the apartment and it would be senseless to unload it only to reload it a week from now. So I can't see out of the back. At least I have blind spot mirrors on the sides.

I started working today. A temp, possible temp to perm position. Everyone seems nice and happy to be working there. I didn't do much. Maybe I'm just used to doing a million things all day. I used a dictaphone! I didn't know those things still existed! I spent 3 hours listening and typing. The day went by slowly. My son was the last child in the after school program when I picked him up. That hurt. And I even left work 10 minutes early to get him. :-( We got home and had an hour and a half before his bed time. Of course, he spent it playing with his friend. I am looking forward to having our own space and the special times we will have there. I envision cozy moments full of love and joy.

I feel as though I've finally broken free from a prison but now I don't know quite what to do.

You know that funny fake snore sound? The snorty breathing in through the nose and wheezy 'shew' back out of the mouth? That is the snore my son is snoring right now.

Emily, you have inspired me to try to start blogging again. If anyone bothers to check it any more! I guess that shouldn't matter anyway.

Enough

Is my life the result of my sin or God's will? A combination of the two, I suppose. I find it hard not to beat myself up over my choices and play the 'what if' game. Pride is an ugly thing. God forgives me, why can't I forgive myself and move on? I want so much to be a good wife but submission is hard. It's hard to submit without respect. I am saddened and discouraged. I simply want to be accepted as I am and for what and who I am to be enough.

How is it Possible?

Here I am doing the very thing I've worked toward for the last year. And I can't seem to be really happy about it. Don't get me wrong, I thank God daily for it and I am so glad to be here. But that genuine happiness eludes me for some reason. I am constantly tired and really don't want to do anything. I usually manage to function for the morning but after lunch I seem to lose all energy and motivation. I put Rory down for quiet time and I simply can't keep my eyes open. I think I have taken a nap every day for the last 2 weeks. I am discouraged and overwhelmed by the task before me. I am being attacked.

My Word for the day:
Ephesians 6:10-11
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."

Day 1

The next chapter.

I don't know if what I'm feeling could be described as shock. I really feel like I'm on vacation more than anything. I imagine that will change soon enough. I simply don't know how to start. If I'm not careful I will end up asleep again!

One of Life's Moments

This morning I came down the stairs to find my husband and my son sitting together in 'dad's chair' reading Psalms. What a fabulous way to start my day!

Praise God!

Just Give it Up!

"If my people would but listen to me, if Israel would follow my ways, how quickly would I subdue their enemies and turn my hand against their foes! Those who hate the Lord would cringe before him, and their punishment would last forever. But you would be fed with the finest of wheat; with honey from the rock I would satisfy you." Psalm 81: 13-16

So why in the world do we fight it? God tells us in His word that if we turn to Him that He will take care of everything. That certainly doesn't mean that we won't ever struggle, or get hurt, or see tragedy. But how much easier it is to get through the tough times when we 'let go and let God'. Why then, do we hold on so tight?

Why do I insist on watching creepy movies right before I go to bed?? Although, I find, if I mute the sound its not nearly as creepy.

"It's all about the Bottom Line"

For those of us who are *lucky* enough to work in an office, we get to experience the phenomena of office politics and there generally seems to be a phrase that gets used until you want to scream every time you hear it. Last year's phrase 'breaking down the silos'. Which meant they wanted the different departments to work together.

This year its all about 'the BOTTOM LINE' dun dun dun! You can guess what that's about.

I've got a suggestion for next year: Back up with the silos!

He continues to amaze

Things seem to be happening so fast! My life is changing in such a major way, and I'm not just talking about the new tile in the kitchen! ;-) I will most likely be working from home starting the first of May. I am terribly excited and rather scared! It is only by God's grace and provision that I've gotten this far and I will continue to rely on Him to take me the rest of the way. My motto lately has been Phillippians 4:13- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He has done wondrous things!

The year of Jubilee, indeed!

God is a Genius!

I have been completely amazed at how God's plan for my life has played out over the last month or two and so excited to see it continue to flourish according to His plan! I am gonig to meet with a man who has expressed a willingness to help me to start my own business. My parents are investing in my business so that I can get started without worrying about paying bills and taking care of my family. God's timing amazes me. Rory's sitter called me today to let me know that her husband has gotten a promotion and they will be moving to Colorado. She anticipates they will be leaving at the end of May or beginning of June. That gives me 2 months to get off the ground and get my business moving. God can handle that! ;-) I met with a friend today and we have decided on a curriculum to use to homeschool our children. I am so excited at the opportunity I'm being given to be my child's teacher and guide. Praise God!

Life as a Nomad

January has been an interesting month! I've slept in 4 different beds over the course of the month! Boy, do I get around! I am forever grateful to have so many beds available to me. It's tough dealing with a feeling of not knowing where home is. I guess I should frame it as having many homes. I guess I've always been a glass half empty kind of girl so it's difficult to change my perspective to a 'half full' one.

Answered prayers. They are all around me. I've had many of my own. So why am I still so impatient to have more answered? I know that everything happens in God's time. Why can't I make what I know in my head connect to my heart? Its like standing behind a line and it's as simple as stepping over it to get all the wonderful blessings that are being promised but for some reason I can't seem to take that step. Where is the resistance coming from?

Forgive me for my unbelief.

Transparency, Anyone?

God is all around me. He is showering me with His love and doing his best to teach me how to accept acceptance. I want so much to be accepted but fear the acceptance I am given is not genuine and will be snatched away at any moment. Am I so far gone? In my head I know my worth. My heart is a different story. How, exactly, did I end up here?

Satan feeds me lies all day long. Some days I eat them up and reap the 'rewards'. Other times I'm able to fight back with God's own Words. Victory! I was able to do that earlier today and it felt great.

I am in awe of God when I listen to my son's breathing while he sleeps. The perfect rhythm punctuated by snores. Our current living situation affords me the opportunity to sleep with him and I treasure that. I don't sleep worth a fig, but I love being so close to him for such an extended period of time(especially since he's being such a good boy-no talking back or whining). I hope I never forget the innocence of his face or the sound of his breathing.

I am broken. I don't believe a day has gone by in the last 2 weeks that I haven't broken down crying. I cry out to God to stop the pain- wait! no! Use the pain to mold me, if this is your way of refining me, bring on the pain, deeper still if its necessary to cut out the sin in my heart. I trust your will and know that your glory is on the other side of the valley in which I'm currently residing.