Transparency, Anyone?

God is all around me. He is showering me with His love and doing his best to teach me how to accept acceptance. I want so much to be accepted but fear the acceptance I am given is not genuine and will be snatched away at any moment. Am I so far gone? In my head I know my worth. My heart is a different story. How, exactly, did I end up here?

Satan feeds me lies all day long. Some days I eat them up and reap the 'rewards'. Other times I'm able to fight back with God's own Words. Victory! I was able to do that earlier today and it felt great.

I am in awe of God when I listen to my son's breathing while he sleeps. The perfect rhythm punctuated by snores. Our current living situation affords me the opportunity to sleep with him and I treasure that. I don't sleep worth a fig, but I love being so close to him for such an extended period of time(especially since he's being such a good boy-no talking back or whining). I hope I never forget the innocence of his face or the sound of his breathing.

I am broken. I don't believe a day has gone by in the last 2 weeks that I haven't broken down crying. I cry out to God to stop the pain- wait! no! Use the pain to mold me, if this is your way of refining me, bring on the pain, deeper still if its necessary to cut out the sin in my heart. I trust your will and know that your glory is on the other side of the valley in which I'm currently residing.